MOVIES FOR THE BLIND: Cage Cheers For a ‘Baby-Stealing Psycho’, Uncovers a ‘Kubrick Film On Crack In Another Language’

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  • When did Ben Stiller get so creepy?

    When did Ben Stiller get so creepy?

    Chris Palko first stormed onto the underground hip-hop scene as Cage with “Agent Orange,” a Clockwork Orange-sampling single from his 2002 album, Movies For the Blind. His free associative film column pays tribute to that record and runs on our daily site at the start of every week.

    I read about Trash of the Titans somewhere and looked forward to it like an idiot, thinking, ‘No fucking way can this be true.’ Oh it’s fucking true, alright. This movie made me want to crack Harry Hamlin (Perseus from the original film) in the face with a fire extinguisher and keep smashing it in like that one scene in Irreversible. The effects are cool, and so is Liam Neeson–hell, I didn’t even mind that Terminator dude (Sam Worthington)–but now I’m shitting on a kids movie like I said I wouldn’t after seeing Alice in Wonderland.

    I watched the original Clash on DVD a year ago because it was amazing in my 12-year-old mind. Don’t watch the original if you first saw it years ago because you will ruin it for yourself. I would also like to add this: fuck movies not filmed but shown in 3-D. The critics were right this time. Fuck this movie in its Greek asshole. ★

    The Runaways caught some flack, but I sort of dug it. Maybe I’m just a dirty old pervert who digs Kristin Stewart’s lip biting and making out with Dakota Fanning. I was sold on her Joan Jett because she’s hotter. GRRRL PUNKS! GRRR! Um no; not at all, actually, but they are all so adorable I didn’t even care that this was like when Oliver Stone raped the Doors’ life story. If you like hot girls jumping around in their panties and taking drugs, then this flick is for you. If you’re a man or a lesbian, you should see this. The end of the movie was weird, though–when we find out what happened to our disbanded Runaway vixens, they leave out Lita Ford. Like Cheri Curry’s career as a failed actress and chainsaw artist was more noteworthy than Lita Ford? Four words: “Close My Eyes Forever,” featuring Ozzy. Remember that song? Me either. ★★★

    Gomorrah had my attention from the very first scene–gangsters in a tanning salon, getting shot and killed like anyone that goes to tanning salons should. This Italian film came out in 2008, but I just watched it a few months ago, right after I watched A Prophet. Needless to say, that was a great day. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the screen, so if you loved A Prophet, you will love this too. Wait, I have another one: If you loved City of God, you will love this fucking movie. Sorry, sometimes this column gets to my head. This movie soars over your head with machine gun fire and dumps your body in a toxic waste dump. Follow two teen wannabe gangsters through cocaine hilarity and death. One thing: as usual, there are subtitles, and in this instance as well as many, that means it’s good–really fucking good. ★★★★

    Greenberg oozes, “Hey, boomers like indie films too!” I felt like this could’ve been in a double feature with that Mike Judge snoozer Extract. A lame dude in his forties…blah blah blah…it’s Ben Stiller in an indie movie again (see also: Permanent Midnight), playinh an emotional, neurotic guy in some sort of crisis. Stiller’s a great actor, and I like him in black comedies, but this one was just too for-my-mom-10-years-ago. That’s how I gauge movies I shouldn’t like–when my mom thinks they’re edgy. In this case, she thought it was a bit dry. I didn’t hate it or love it, and I didn’t give a shit about Roger Greenberg and his views on life, or his life for that matter. I saw this indie trickery coming from a Soho block away… ★★★

    IN SEARCH OF THE GRAND GUIGNOL:
    Angst is an Austrian film from 1983. It’s like seeing a Kubrick film on crack in another language. No wonder Academy Award winner Zbigniew RybczyÅ„ski was the cinematographer. Klaus Schulze’s soundtrack is sick as fuck, too.

    This movie is a joy ride through insanity. A psychopath is released from prison and goes on a killing spree immediately. (The killer just loses it and kills everyone in a B&E scenario and then has no idea what to do with the corpses. It’s hard to explain how sick it is laughing at a murderer trying to dispose of a corpse he is so turned on by, he’s humping the air like a horny dog.)

    You have to see this movie. It’s been likened to Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, though it’s far superior. Yes, more subtitles to read, and if that stops you from enjoying incredible films like Angst, your life isn’t worth enriching anyway. The acting in this film is grand. I’d proudly place it next to A Clockwork Orange in my DVD collection. Nope it’s not as good, but what really is? If Clockwork is Jesus, Angst is a disciple, for sure. ★★★★1/2

    Snuff 102 is one of the few films I want to un-watch–a movie that looks like horseshit because it’s supposed to. This Argentinian film (that means it’s in Spanish) is so cruel, it’s biting. In fact, people got so riled up at its premiere that someone physically assaulted the director. Fuck the details–here’s the skinny. Another pregnant woman film? No, but in one scene a pregnant woman is bound to a chair next to two other women. As the lead screaming woman watches, the pregnant woman is repeatedly punched in the face, kicked to the floor and suffocated with a bag. Shall I continue? She is then stomped on her head until the bag over her head is pulpy and then her stomach is stomped, but the filmmaker claims he spared us this cruelty by not showing it. I suspect he had no money to show us what that might look like. Why was I watching this? So you don’t have to. What a sick, fucking repulsive film I couldn’t stop watching. Does that mean I like it? I don’t know, but I puke burped when it was over. ★★★

    SICK PICK:
    How do you say I love this film in French?  J’adore ce film? Inside (or À l’intérieur if you’re French) is almost as good as Martyrs, one of my Top 10 favorite horror films of all time. If Jaws made going in the water scary, this should have the same effect on pregnant women. A baby-stealing psycho chasing a pregnant woman around. There is a scene with some scissors and her baby that is cooler than scary. French films are fucked just the way I like them. There’s a lot of blood and the movie made me root for the killer more than the mom-to-be. Who will get the baby? The ending made me stand up in my living room and applaud. This movie is like a baby…gross. ★★★★

    • Sabrina

      I’m now creeped out by Ben Stiller and the French. Thanks for that.
      I love your writing style. Lovin’ this column (even when I don’t have insomnia).

    • Luke

      Hey man you are doing a awesome job at movie reviews keep it up. I read all of them.

    • Karim

      Cage is a BWADMAN!!!
      can’t wait for his bio to come out.
      But shit, if he ain’t playin himself, then Edward Furlong is THE ONLY man alive worthy of the job!

      Keep it up mate, sweet column, peace.

    • TobiPeterson

      Thanks…

    • MaxMerc

      MArtyrs was disturbing now i’m about to go In…side

    • Saint of Killers

      I think the best part of these reviews are the comments left after each week. I’ve never seen so much dick sucking in my life. “Cage I love your writing”, “Cage, we have the same taste in movies”, blah, blah, blah. Get off his dick already.

    • Jayna

      It’s really J’adore c’et film but you’re close enough Cage [=

    • Samantha

      Glad u don’t like when pregnant women are beaten to death
      I too love reading these
      LOVE you cage.

    • Through the annals of anal sex

      I love this magazine and most of all the Cage reviews. Saint of Killers it is you that is on Cage’s fabulous cock the hardest. Coming out is the first step and your doing that. You’re a brave guy.
      God Bless

    • James

      Inside was one hell of an amazing movie.

    • Saint of Killers

      annals of anal sex that made absolutely no sense. You should give up on life

    • jason

      obviously you know you’re shit when it comes to flicks. I was just glad to see you say that A Clockwork Orange will stand alone forever as the best film ever made. Right Right!

    • Suspirian

      I can’t find Snuff 102 anywhere HELP!!!! I agree COTT was terrible.
      You know someone’s lame when they try to engage in a comment section. Go get some friends.

    • Colt

      I actually liked Clash Of The Titans. The 3d aspect is horrible though and a huge waste of money but the film itself wasn’t bad. None of the other movies intrest me besides Angst which looks like good fun. I like watching fucked up movies for whatever reason but Snuff 102 looks like shitty quality. Inside is pure awesomeness. The French own horror. Inside, Martyrs, Haute Tension and Frontiers.

    • Fg

      Always a great choice in movies, nice to see that you likes the foreign ones too :) one of the most fucked up films i’ve seen in a long time was Takashi Miike’s Visitor Q. Hilarious and utterly disgusting, the funniest part – “The mysteries of life are amazing, even a corpse can get wet!…. wtf… HEY THIS IS SHIT! It’s not a mystery of life, it’s shit! What the hell were you eating?!” oh man maybe i’m too fucked up for anyone.