FEED THE ANGER: “Sorry, Honey. I Love Metal”
Posted on February 23, 2009
Filed Under Feed The Anger | 24 Comments
By Aaron Richter
Transforming from a bespectacled indie-rock dweeb into a burgeoning metal head isn’t easy. First, there’s the feeling of discouraging ignorance, that no matter what you’re listening to, now matter how fantastic it is, you simply like it because, well, it’s metal and you either heard or read somewhere that it’s supposed to be good. Maybe let’s call that a lack of discerning taste. This can be acquired easy enough. And with enough dedication you’ll be touting the merits of Dopethrone and impressing friends at parties with your sub-basic knowledge of Øystein Aarseth’s murder.
A much more difficult mountain to climb, so to speak, is the girlfriend. She can’t be ignored. Or disregarded. No, that won’t do. Because she’s hot and awesome. And no Matt Pike bellow or Mick Harris blast beat is worth losing the love of your life over. (Unless, of course, she sucks, in which case this article is probably not for you.) Any true metal obsession means that she’ll be forced to digest extreme music at least once a day, intentionally or not. And for the uninitiated, that’s a lot to bear. Thus, altering her tastes becomes a conquest of sorts, one in which you must triumph. Here are ten necessary steps to victory.
1. Start with something she can tolerate.
Might we suggest Black Sabbath’s self-titled debut or Paranoid. Ozzy is a voice she’ll recognize, if not from TV, at least from “Crazy Train.” And the blues riffs will remind her of Led Zeppelin, which she loves (especially II, which is overrated). Also, believe it or not, but a steady diet of mainstream ’90s rock such as Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins and Jane’s Addiction just might break through her first wall of distaste. Be sure to pepper your conversation while listening with such comments as “Wow, that’s a brutal riff” and “Hell, Billy Corgan might be a candy-ass, but the yelling part of ‘Bullet With Butterfly Wings’ is fuckin’ metal” (emphasizing the word metal) when necessary to solidify the connection.
2. Help her understand that not all metal is Cradle of Filth.
Despite this band’s ultimate suckiness, Cradle of Filth is, without hesitation, the first thing that comes into your girlfriend’s head when she thinks of metal, a travesty that absolutely must be remedied. This is a perfect time to introduce Mastodon, whose crossover appeal is known and proven.
3. Pay attention to volume.
Sure, the tendency is to crank it, but too loud and she’s gonna hate even the most righteous speed-picking. Keep your home stereo at a reasonable volume so she can do things other than be distracted by the music. A good gauge is whether she can read a book simultaneously. And be sure to get your levels right, with a powerful low end and well-balanced highs. In this instance, a crisp mix is much more valuable than obliterating the thin wall you share with your neighbor—no matter how much you hate him.
4. Explain yourself.
And be honest when she asks, “What the fuck is going on?” Tell her that lately you’ve been feeling the need to worship Satan, and not being skilled in the art of virgin sacrifice, you figured that a daily dose of Norwegian black was the next best thing. Unless she’s absolutely insane herself, she’ll be terrified by this, but explicate further. Note the appeal of virtuosity, that ultimate amazement of witnessing a musician perform at the top of his or her game. To play metal requires superb technical proficiency. You’d get the same feeling of awe watching Wynton Marsalis perform at a concert hall. If that’s not enough, discuss your admiration for the metal community’s pride in the end product, from working at prestigious recording studios to taking obsessive satisfaction in their gear to printing limited edition, high-quality vinyl. She’ll start to understand.
5. Invest in some quality ear buds.
Let’s face it. You’ll need to be a good boyfriend some of the time, and that means occasionally keeping your music private. But you can easily turn this hindrance into a positive. In-ear nose-cancelling ear buds are an essential purchase. They’re portable and let you delve deeper into the music, as layers and inconspicuous elements reveal themselves that you never could quite hear on your home stereo. Not to mention that Krallice’s kick drums are phenomenally assaultive with the right buds.
6. Take the next step with something badass.
Great music is undeniable, no matter your tastes. So keep this next selection impeccable without losing sight of elements she’ll recognize from her own playlists. Pay attention to a band’s singer; this is the primary source of her knee-jerk reactions. Try Baroness’s Red Album or everyone’s 2008 favorite, Meanderthal by Torche, both furious records with non-demonic vocals that won’t lead her to fashion a bedpost into a wooden stake for protection against “them.” Even if she doesn’t like it, her spectrum is expanding, and at least you tried.
7. Point out stuff that rules.
This gives her entry points into music she might otherwise resist entirely. By now, her metal appreciation is cursory at best, but she’ll have enough exposure to enjoy specific instances of extreme awesomeness. When you’re usually gobbling multicolored pills together (aka Wednesdays), instead of staring at the ceiling all night, set Nachtmystium’s “Seasick (Part 2: Oceanborne)” on repeat and zonk out to its psychedelic sax solo. Or thrash around your apartment to “Rumors of War” by High on Fire. Break kitchen dishes if need be. Just make sure she knows that Des Kensel’s thundering war drums get you ferociously amped and therefore require her closer inspection (at the very least to figure out why her favorite coffee mug is crumbled beside the toilet).
8. Encourage what she likes.
Notice when she responds positively to Kylesa’s scorched-earth sludge guitars and play their upcoming record, Static Tension, constantly. Send her links to live Mastodon vids on YouTube, any clips spliced with Brent Hinds interviews (because he rules). And never, ever, ever call bullshit when it seems like she’s faking enjoyment just to prove she’s got cojones. She’ll learn quickly enough.
9. Test the waters.
At this point she’ll likely be developing a tolerance. So it’s worth taking a bit of a risk, even if it only lasts a few minutes before she’s threatening to withhold sex for an entire year. Grindcore is a prickly endeavor, but Pig Destroyer is a fitting poison for such a dangerous venture. Bolting without rest at a thrashing velocity, the group proves that even the most terrifyingly abrasive onslaught of noise and sustained volume can hold musically sophisticated charms, particularly when songs such as ”Loathsome” and “Heathen Temple” race past the two minute mark and churn and slam with unexpected freedom. But do remember, when she yells for you to turn the music off (which she will), it’s best that you abide.
10. Give her hugs and candy.
Because she likes hugs. And candy.
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24 Responses to “FEED THE ANGER: “Sorry, Honey. I Love Metal””
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Yessssssss.
[...] online magazine aimed at hot, radical people in American Apparel clothing, self-titled has written an hilarious but also very helpful guide to making your girlfriend like [...]
LZ II is not overrated. I particularly like their lyrical exploration of Mordor and Gollum (the evil one). Gollum is as metal as Led Zeppelin gets.
Uh-oh.
this article wrongly assumes that metalheads can get girlfriends. Fail.
[...] for us, then, that Thrash Hits has pointed us towards this article at self-titledmag.com, which outlines a plan to get your non-metal gf to give into the dark side. [...]
I’d still choose an indie-rock dweeb girlfriend over one who only listens to top 40 (or crap of that ilk) any day.
i would HIGHLY recommend introducing her to nightwish. I can’t tell you how many people i’ve converted to metal (like, real, brutal stuff, too) that all began with nightwish. Literally, 7+ people, 3 of them being girls, one of which my girlfriend.
then ease them into mildly harder stuff, Edguy, Kamelot, Dream Theater, Opeth, perhaps?
They’ll be headbanging to cattle decap in no time!
[...] rapturous response we’ve gotten to our metal v. girlfriend guide has left us revisiting some of our favorite extreme listens from the past year. (This is coming [...]
One word: Metalcore. It’s a stupid term (and, at times, even more stupid genre) but the melodic riffs, breakdowns and clean choruses can appeal to people who aren’t into metal. My sister is consistently, staunchly anti-metal and even she admits that Haste The Day and, to a point, Killswitch Engage, would be good ‘without the screaming’.
However, if you don’t want them to develop bad listening habits, taper the dose, and make sure metalcore is a transition phase ONLY.
Also Marilyn Manson is great for this sort of thing too.
A band you might add to that list that works without fail is Manowar. I snuck some Manowar tracks into a sex mixtape and not only was it epic, it transformed my gf’s view of metal. Watching the Manowar DVD “The Absolute Power: The Day the Earth Shook” has a similar effect.
dude this sucks. all I gleaned from this is “I’m a poser and I want to turn my girlfriend into a poser as well.”
this is amazing, if your girlfriend is a fucking MORON. why do dudes always assume women know nothing about metal? do you know how many moronic men i had to school? melody isn’t genre specific – people remember a tight hook no matter WHO. lets be real, can you really hum a syncopated part from a Psyopus track in the shower? there’s plenty of men who don’t like metal too, don’t make it seem like women need their fucking hand held to understand that “maze” of metal. get out of the basement and fuck a real woman, who listens to Bolt Thrower.
find me a man that knows how to dress and listens to GOOD metal, then he can talk.
This isn’t the 80s (70s?) anymore. There are lots of metal chicks. My girlfriend shreds, and is addicted to technical death metal. So ditch that highschool sweetheart.
And, to echo the comment above, it’s more about knowing “what to listen for in music” than some tired gender stereotypes. So if you must date a non-metal chick, check to make sure she also “gets” Wagner, Shostakovich, and Webern. Otherwise she probably doesn’t know how to use her ears yet, and that’s a criteria for understanding extreme metal.
i would totally disagree with most of this.
i am a girlfriend (now wife) that got into metal with very different bands.
In order my progression went like this:
-H.I.M. & CKY
-then The Bronx & The Giraffes
-Dethklok (has done soooo much to get chicks into metal – get her to watch the show too)
-then The Sword & thanks to the kick ass video for Big Timber I got really into Himsa.
-Mastodon was introduced through the cover of Thin Lizzy’s Emerald. Respect for a band gives them more of a chance to be listened to instead of skipped over on the ipod.
-Always remember to be respectful of her music choices as well. If she is willing to listen to Mastodon don’t be too harsh if occasionally she listens to Lily Allen too. She is still a girl, not just another dude.
-It helps to also go to shows and see some of these bands kick ass. Seeing The Sword live was so awesome that they immediately went into heavy rotation in my music queue.
that’s my experience, i hope it may be helpful as well.
wtf is this? a bullshit, snarky hipster article written by someone who knows almost nothing about “metal” himself! from the bands mentioned it seems like you got your “metal” education from Vice mag. feeling sorry for you…
I think the real issue is how we get smarmy hipster fuckwits like you out of metal.
No mention of SLAYER?
Douchebag…just like Drew Curtis of FARK.
Opeth. Period.
You did not mention any of the big four, therefore YOU FAIL.
Line it up with what she already listens to. Every form of music has a metal counterpart that incorporates the same underlying influences.
Plenty of metal derrives its essence in the orcestral, operatic, punk, pop, soft rock, rap, etc.
Pretty much everything but country has a metal counter-part. Southern hillbilly metal like pantera or COC will not work on a country-girl no matter how hard you try. (but the likelyhood you will be able to tolerate her for any length of time is questionable, so don’t worry)
Lots of good suggestions in the comments and article like CKY and HIM (despite how much they blow, they are a decent litmus) and of course Ozzy and Manson are perfect intros.
Her loving Slayer is the desired end result, but unless your chick already loves metal, diving straight into that would be a retarded mistake.
However *THE BEST* way to get he into metal is to take her to Nite Clubs that play Rock music, as they will always play at least a few soft-metal and nu-metal songs through-out the night plus the classics from the 70’s & 80’s. (this fine-tunes her for the stuff you’ve got at home or in the car)
And once she starts dancing to metal, the rest is easy.
And the one thing that every successful nite-club player/douche knows, its ALL about getting her to dance.
can i have the candy without the metal?
Opeth would be the best choice to make anyone start listening to metal. Sure they will remain as their favorite forever.
[...] but then again, so are most people). So I can appreciate — and possibly even try — Self-Titled’s 10-point plan to get your girlfriend into metal, especially if I want to bring her to next week’s Red Fang/Early Man show at the [...]