One of many fight scenes from 'Bronson'
By Chris Palko
Hello everyone. It gives me extreme pleasure to report back from the Oscars that aired last night. I was afraid I was going to miss it because of the whole Cablevision scandal with ABC. It’s a good thing I’m a slave to Time Warner Cable because what would I have done? Download it like all the Cablevision subscribers, that’s what. Which would have been a bad idea because then I would miss all the awesome commercials.
It looks like I tuned in just in time to catch the stars on the red carpet doing what they do best…shining brightly. Best Supporting Actress nominee Mo’Nique from the film Precious got a thumbs up on her gown. How did they put it? Oh yeah—perfect for ‘that type of body’. I’m only 15 minutes in, and I’m losing my fucking mind.
OMG, the last Barbara Walters Oscar special— say it ain’t so. Kick rocks, you old cougar. You’re bumming everyone out with your in-depth sexual abuse prodding of Mo’Nique. Incest ain’t my bag, get out of here with this shit. Stop acting surprised she has an open marriage; she just told you she fucked her brother. Twenty minutes in, and Mo’Nique can’t get a break. Let ol’ hairy legs live.
God, the Oscars haven’t even started and I’m already out of weed. Where the hell did they find Kathy Ireland and why does she talk like that? She’s an over-annunciater. I don’t know if that’s a real word but I do know her gut rules in that dress, pregnant or not. So far everyone is talking about all their dreams coming true and I am opening this bottle of Jameson to numb the pain, because all of my dreams are dead.
Thank god George Clooney has his hot Italian girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis with him so I don’t have to look at his stupid dashing face. Have you seen Up in the Air? My grey-faced pit bull can’t make a pile of shit that big. What? It’s nominated for Best Picture? District 9 is the real film of the year; that, or Bronson. Wait, Bronson isn’t even nominated? Sorry, I’m learning all this as I watch. If you haven’t seen Bronson, it’s easily one of the top three films of 2009. If you dare disagree, it’s because you’re an idiot—clearly. (Editor’s Note: We actually watched Bronson the other night, and thought it was one of the most brilliant, and disturbing, true crime movies we’ve ever seen.)
Okay finally, it’s starting. What the fuck is Doogie Howser doing here and why am I watching a musical? I have to say that blow job face he ended the number with could only make me think of one thing: how much better a blow job would be than watching this drivel.
Wait a minute. Is Alec Baldwin trying to save the show with the comedic genius that his co-host Steve Martin lost in the ’90s? So far the funniest thing that’s happened is the ticker on the bottom of the screen that says Cablevision is Channel 7’s bitch and they are coughing up the green. Thank god. We wouldn’t want anyone missing out on Oprah and the shittiest season of Lost ever. Thanks JJ—make a Cloverfield 2 already.
Best Supporting Actor should go to that Nazi (Christoph Waltz) from Inglourious Basterds. He was so spot on. Yes, he won! Wait why is he still talking like a Nazi in his acceptance speech? So far I am two-for-two, as Up just won for Best Animated Film.
Random note related to the onscreen action: Miley Cyrus is hot and legal in some states. If the age of consent is 18 in your state and you want to catch her on tour, there is a website with an age countdown: http://www.mileycyrusage.com/.
What am I—the Oscardamus? I am now three-for-three. Crazy Heart just won for Best Song (“The Weary Kind”), and it really is a great song and movie. “The Dude” as a drunk, washed-up old country singer—fuck yes. SPOILER ALERT! The ending sucks.
Robert Downey Jr. appears once again to let everyone know he’s better than all of you and he’s right. The John Hughes tribute was pretty cool except now I want to watch Plains, Trains and Automobiles. “Those aren’t pillows!”
The tribute ended with most of the stars from the Hughes films standing on stage and I’m glad to see Judd Nelson still using drugs, sweaty, and wearing shades indoors. How sick would it be if they remade The Breakfast Club? What they already are? Fuck yes!
I knew Music By Prudence was going to win Best Documentary: Short Subject. Who was going to beat them—China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province? Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck is Van Wilder doing here? Ben Stiller dressed up like an alien from Avatar and spoke a little Na’Vi. It was either really funny or I am really drunk.
What? Did they just say we’ll be right back with a tribute to horror? I don’t know about you (seriously) but I am obsessed with horror films. Especially gory foreign ones with shaky cams and subtitles. Sigourney Weaver just took the stage and you know what that means? Yup, Xbox 360 on split screen. This shit already looks better with Battlefield Bad Company 2 on the screen. This game rules. Pause city! Kristen Stewart just took the stage for the horror tribute, full screen time! Finally for the first time The Academy acknowledged my favorite genre with a wonderful display of my favorite horror films like…Edward Scissorhands and The Sixth Sense?
You’re pulling my leg Charlie—these aren’t even horror films. Back to split screen for some 360 killing. From a tiny little window in the corner of my enormous flat screen, Mo’Nique takes it for Best Supporting Actress, but all I can think about is what her brother did to her in explicit detail, thanks to that GILF Barbie Walters.
Sandra Bullock won for Best Actress even though Carey Mulligan (An Education) kicked her ass. Speaking of asses, when Sandra Kardashian Bullock walked on stage they should have been playing “Baby Got Back,” ‘cause she got that fat ass.
Jeff Bridges wins for Best Actor and The Hurt Locker wins Best Picture, but I still say Bronson shouldn’t have been ignored and District 9 should have won it, but what do I know about award winning movies? They usually suck.
See you guys on Friday with another piece of shit collection of opinions on films I am seeing this week, including Alice In Wonderland 3D, Brooklyn’s Finest, A Prophet and The Dead Outside.
Chris Palko first stormed onto the underground hip-hop scene as Cage with “Agent Orange,” a Clockwork Orange-sampling single from his 2002 album, Movies For the Blind. His new rant/rave film column pays tribute to that record and runs on our daily site every Friday. Cage’s latest LP is Depart From Me. He’s currently looking for a new label after the sudden dissolution of Definitive Jux Records, so get at him if you’d like to hear some of his new material…
25 Responses to “MOVIES FOR THE BLIND: Cage Files His First Film Column From the Frontlines of the Oscars”
my sentiments on a lot of went on exactly. great entry.
my sentiments on a lot of what went on exactly. great entry.
it’s weird how i agree with you on like 90% of this stuff. The Miley Cyrus countdown made my day..can’t wait to bang her
best thing we’ve ever done here at self-titled
Hell ya, its nice to know someone is as smart as I am, and I consider myself pretty damn smart. Anyone that still gives two shits about Barbara Walters is a fucking loon. District 9 got shut out…what the fuck! That should have been the come from behind movie, not the fucking Hurt Locker, I mean it was a solid movie but how many more damn views on the war in Iraq do we really need.
Glad Mo’Nique won she pulled of a solid transition, but I am damn glad Precious was pretty much shut out other than that. I am so sick of hearing about Gabourey Sidibe I could vomit.
I couldn’t believe Ben Stiller got jeered by critics the next day I though that shit was pretty funny, just awkward since real spot comedy was happening durring the stuffy, over-reheased Oscars.
Great article though man, will be checking in often.
Great write up, I had no idea you did this sort of thing…..I like the wit in it.
your right all that shit sucks … lets play some battlefield “icer8787 gamer tag”….. WM’s up and i agree district 9 was the shit and most movies would love to be as original as that but they are not.
Hilarious and brutally honest. Even better than what I’d expect in an article written by one of my top five favorite musicians.
Awesome entry Chris Palko! You got me crackin up haha and I agree about District 9. That flick shoulda one. Much props for the Miley Cyrus age countdown site haha cant wait to hear what you write this friday. Peace
Great and honest! I mean I thought I only only one that ought that deep. I think this is a plus job for you! Great… You saw the stuff that really deep people only sees. Peace
district 9 was a scrap of the halo movie. bunch of CGI bullshit. half assed two bit attempt to save/make money.
That was a fucking boring read.
And fuck the oscars too.
The Oscars were an interesting because it seemed to be the evening to coin the “Oscar lack any heart and soul between any of the actors or presenters” (with the exception of Molly Ringwald (where the hell has she been?))… Its only when they win does anyone shed a tear, yet it’s hard to avoid the cut throat grunt oxygen masks that are suspended from the ceilings in case anyone feels the need.
The Oscars were interesting because it seemed to be the evening to coin the “Oscar lack any heart and soul between any of the actors or presenters” (with the exception of Molly Ringwald (where the hell has she been?))… Its only when they win does anyone shed a tear, yet it’s hard to avoid the cut throat grunt oxygen masks that are suspended from the ceilings in case anyone feels the need.
Great review I couldn’t have said it better myself
Remember when Cage was a good rapper? Because I certainly don’t these days. I’m not trying to say I’m better or I’m anybody for that matter; just that you used to be great and now you are a whining little bitch who does nothing but cry and watch movies. Grow a pair.
p.s. I wish I could take back all the weed me and my friend smoked with you at that show years ago.
agreed. also its funny how the played the theme from reanimator but didnt show a scene from it on thier so called horror tribute. hope all is well chris.
I loved this, It made My day just to read my favorite artists thoughts on the Oscars. and it was also very humorous. But none the less a good reveiw.
I didn’t see the Oscars but happy to take your commentary as a true account and your pronouncements as gospel. Keep up the good work.
I’ll have to watch Bronson now that you recommended it. And fuck the haters, Cage is still a great rapper.
fuck you “dissapointed”, Cage is one of the best rappers of our era and if you don’t like his new shit then so be it, but dont bag on him just cuz he’s evolving as a rapper and you’re stuck in the past. Fuckin bitch…
I like how one constant in these comments is about the Miley Cyrus age countdown website. And really- thanks for that. I’m doing some grown men a favor by sending that link around.
I think that review was like my inner-monologue during the Oscars, drunk and all. Nice.
Looking forward to the next read.
Good read. I am actually trapped up in the air and they’re playing Up In The Air… I unplugged my headphones 5 mins in.
HEY CAGE…WHY DONT U DO WHAT COBAIN DID AND AT LEAST HAVE THE DIGNITY TO KILL YOURSELF?? GO B A FATHER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND STOP BANGING HER NUBILE FRIENDS, christian
damn ran outta weed