The Vines @ Bowery Ballroom, 3.17.08

Text/Photos by Aaron Richter

We learned two things from the Vines show on Monday: (1) Frontman Craig Nicholls is still alive, and (2) the Vines perform the absolute worst cover version of OutKast’s “Ms. Jackson” that we could ever possibly imagine. Full review after the jump …

self-titled: i think i might have to see the Vines tonight
self-titled: :-p
beardedwriter: gross
self-titled: right
beardedwriter: dude, it’s not 8 years ago
self-titled: what do you really think
beardedwriter: are you going for an assignment, or just cuz?
self-tilted: assignment
self-titled: damn. i thought u were gonna go off some more
self-titled: i was just gonna copy and paste our conversation as my review
beardedwriter: haha
self-tilted: get angry!
beardedwriter: if you ever need me to do an assignment for you, just bring up a shitty band
beardedwriter: I’ll take it from there
beardedwriter: so, dude
beardedwriter: I had drinks with (OK, near, but still) Ice Cube!
self-titled: did you say yay-yay
beardedwriter: haha, no, I kinda felt bad for him
beardedwriter: frat boys coming up, asking for pictures
self-titled: his afro was big
beardedwriter: and even after the bar closed, he was just hanging around, like he needed attention
beardedwriter: yeah, it was poofy
beardedwriter: I almost gave him hug
beardedwriter: two more beers and I would’ve been there
beardedwriter: but like I said, they did last call
self-titled: daggity
self-titled: stupid st. patrick’s day
self-titled: dumb a55ho1es outside
beardedwriter: bust a Guinness on their heads
self-titled: i’ll drop one out our 14th floor window
self-titled: see where it lands

self-titled: remember when we drank like 80 pitchers at that bar and left the tab with Pat cuz they made us pay a cover at the bar?
beardedwriter: it’s like whack-a-mole with douchebags
beardedwriter: hmm…I kinda remember that
beardedwriter: we made him pay, though?
self-titled: the pitchers were like 25cents. cuz it was green beer.
self-titled: i think the total bill was like $14. so we guilted him into paying, as I recall
beardedwriter: ah yes
beardedwriter: it’s all coming back now
beardedwriter: speaking of old chums, I hung with Greg a lot
beardedwriter: I forgot how retardedly polite he is
beardedwriter: but it was nice to see him
self-titled: did he juggle fire?
beardedwriter: naw, just beers
beardedwriter: and lots of soco at our parties
beardedwriter: ha
self-titled: good ol’ greggers
beardedwriter: he’s a good boy

self-titled: anything else to say about the Vines? I think i’m still gonna use this conversation for my review
beardedwriter: hmmm
beardedwriter: honestly, I would’ve thought that singer dude (what’s his name?) would’ve been dead by now
self-titled: yeah. wasn’t that his big hype?
beardedwriter: remember when he was always going crazy in public?
beardedwriter: back when he made music that was kinda halfway good?
self-titled: I think he just got diagnosed with aspergers
beardedwriter: well, I think his handlers should take him off his meds
beardedwriter: so he can get back to being kinda awesome
self-tilted: i just got their “Greatest Hits” in the mail
beardedwriter: Greatest hits…that’s rich. What do they put on there besides a handful of old singles?
self-titled: i think they just repackaged Highly Evolved
beardedwriter: that would make sense…after all, the demographic they’re pushing that shit on is probably too young to even remember that album
beardedwriter: (who is this review for?)
self-titled: oh nice. the opening act is Yves Klein Blue. that’s a great name for a band. i’m sure they’re awful though.
self-titled: review is for
self-titled: have you heard of it?
beardedwriter: hmmm…didn’t that used to be Resonance or Rockpile or some other stupid magazine no one reads?
beardedwriter: hahaha
self-titled: LOLerblades
self-titled: it used to be Spin magazine actually
beardedwriter: Yves got an idea of what you should do. Klein your apartment tonight while drinking whiskey until your face turns Blue. Then…maybe, just maybe, The Vines will be bearable.
self-titled: you went there! you really went there!
beardedwriter: anything for you and yr half-assed assignments, friend