Text/Photos by Aaron Richter
We learned two things from the Vines show on Monday: (1) Frontman Craig Nicholls is still alive, and (2) the Vines perform the absolute worst cover version of OutKast’s â€œMs. Jacksonâ€ that we could ever possibly imagine. Full review after the jump …
self-titled: i think i might have to see the Vines tonight
beardedwriter: dude, it’s not 8 years ago
self-titled: what do you really think
beardedwriter: are you going for an assignment, or just cuz?
self-titled: damn. i thought u were gonna go off some more
self-titled: i was just gonna copy and paste our conversation as my review
self-tilted: get angry!
beardedwriter: if you ever need me to do an assignment for you, just bring up a shitty band
beardedwriter: I’ll take it from there
beardedwriter: so, dude
beardedwriter: I had drinks with (OK, near, but still) Ice Cube!
self-titled: did you say yay-yay
beardedwriter: haha, no, I kinda felt bad for him
beardedwriter: frat boys coming up, asking for pictures
self-titled: his afro was big
beardedwriter: and even after the bar closed, he was just hanging around, like he needed attention
beardedwriter: yeah, it was poofy
beardedwriter: I almost gave him hug
beardedwriter: two more beers and I would’ve been there
beardedwriter: but like I said, they did last call
self-titled: stupid st. patrick’s day
self-titled: dumb a55ho1es outside
beardedwriter: bust a Guinness on their heads
self-titled: i’ll drop one out our 14th floor window
self-titled: see where it lands
self-titled: remember when we drank like 80 pitchers at that bar and left the tab with Pat cuz they made us pay a cover at the bar?
beardedwriter: it’s like whack-a-mole with douchebags
beardedwriter: hmm…I kinda remember that
beardedwriter: we made him pay, though?
self-titled: the pitchers were like 25cents. cuz it was green beer.
self-titled: i think the total bill was like $14. so we guilted him into paying, as I recall
beardedwriter: ah yes
beardedwriter: it’s all coming back now
beardedwriter: speaking of old chums, I hung with Greg a lot
beardedwriter: I forgot how retardedly polite he is
beardedwriter: but it was nice to see him
self-titled: did he juggle fire?
beardedwriter: naw, just beers
beardedwriter: and lots of soco at our parties
self-titled: good ol’ greggers
beardedwriter: he’s a good boy
self-titled: anything else to say about the Vines? I think i’m still gonna use this conversation for my review
beardedwriter: honestly, I would’ve thought that singer dude (what’s his name?) would’ve been dead by now
self-titled: yeah. wasn’t that his big hype?
beardedwriter: remember when he was always going crazy in public?
beardedwriter: back when he made music that was kinda halfway good?
self-titled: I think he just got diagnosed with aspergers
beardedwriter: well, I think his handlers should take him off his meds
beardedwriter: so he can get back to being kinda awesome
self-tilted: i just got their “Greatest Hits” in the mail
beardedwriter: Greatest hits…that’s rich. What do they put on there besides a handful of old singles?
self-titled: i think they just repackaged Highly Evolved
beardedwriter: that would make sense…after all, the demographic they’re pushing that shit on is probably too young to even remember that album
beardedwriter: (who is this review for?)
self-titled: oh nice. the opening act is Yves Klein Blue. that’s a great name for a band. i’m sure they’re awful though.
self-titled: review is for self-titledmag.com.
self-titled: have you heard of it?
beardedwriter: hmmm…didn’t that used to be Resonance or Rockpile or some other stupid magazine no one reads?
self-titled: it used to be Spin magazine actually
beardedwriter: Yves got an idea of what you should do. Klein your apartment tonight while drinking whiskey until your face turns Blue. Then…maybe, just maybe, The Vines will be bearable.
self-titled: you went there! you really went there!
beardedwriter: anything for you and yr half-assed assignments, friend