THE PRESETS (L to R: Kim Moyes, Julian Hamilton)
Really, now; enough of the Crocodile Hunter/Dundee jokes. Kim Moyes–a.k.a. KIM and the programmer/drummer half of The Presets–has heard them all anyway. That’s why self-titled asked him to educate us on the finer points of our friends Down Under … like the trials and tribulations of rabid, undersexed koalas.
As for what the duo’s been up to lately, they just released one hell of a neon-hued pop record: Apocalypso, a hedonistic, hard-hitting listen, from the steam-rolled breaks of “Kicking and Screaming” to the moonlit, laser-guided denoument that is “Anywhere.” Tour wise, they have sold-out shows in Manhattan and Brooklyn the next two nights, and stops in Philadelphia and D.C. on Friday and Saturday. The Philly stop is a must-see for sure, as it’s a Making Time affair that also features These New Puritans.
All right, onto our Aussie lesson …
FIVE THINGS AMERICANS DON’T KNOW ABOUT AUSTRALIA
By Kim Moyes
1. We were sent as convicts from the cold, harsh climate of England for stealing bread to feed our families. They shackled us, stored us on a boat for months, and the most brutal part was making us start a new home in the land of coconuts, sunbathing and dolphin riding.
2. A woman is called a ‘sheila’ and a guy is called a ‘bloke’. Sometimes our gay friends are called ‘poofters’. In America you have biscuits; we call them ‘scones’, which is what they also call them in England. However, ‘scone’ is also your head in Australian, which can also be called your ‘noggin’ or your ‘nut’. If I have ‘sconed’ you (verb) I am throwing a tennis ball at your arm really hard (usually in high school).
Again, our cookies are ‘biscuits’, your biscuits are ‘scones’, which are our heads. Our ‘entrees’ are your starters, your entrees are our ‘main meal’. If you want you want to have sex with a ‘Sheila’ your ‘mate’ (male friend) has just ‘rooted’ (had sex with) this is called ‘sloppy seconds’ (your ‘entree’ AKA our main meal). Desserts stay the same.
3. One of our many popular colloquial expressions is “Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah – no”. Which means “Yes, I understand the point you are trying to make but no, I don’t think you are correct”.
4. Our cute, cuddly, furry bush friend the Koala is native only to Australia. Fact: He’s known for his lack of sexual activity, gently holding on to the plus side of extinction, but somehow still manages to have the most severe case of sexually transmitted diseases of all the native animals in Australia. He sits in a tree all day usually stoned out of his mind on eucalyptus. When he’s not stoned he runs around on the ground screaming a hideous noise that sounds like someone trying to tune an AM radio.
5. We have a very famous Australian folk song called “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport!”. Despite its title, kangaroo rustling is not a sport and if anyone was ever stupid enough to try and tie a kangaroo down the “roo” would probably stand on his tail and disembowel you with his his razor sharp claws attached to the feet on his hind legs. Don’t get me wrong; kangaroos are cool but don’t forget, kangaroos are people too, you know? Sport is also very popular in Australia and the word ‘sport’ can also mean ‘bloke’ or ‘mate’. If you say “quarter of 10” we think you mean 10:15.