MOVIES FOR THE BLIND: Cage Fantasizes About Tina Fey, Wonders What the Hell Woody Harrelson Is Doing With Duct Tape On His Chest

Steve Carrel and Tina Fey after a couple rounds in the ring with Cage
Steve Carrel and Tina Fey after a couple rounds in the ring with Cage

Chris Palko first stormed onto the underground hip-hop scene as Cage with “Agent Orange,” a Clockwork Orange-sampling single from his 2002 album, Movies For the Blind. His free associative film column pays tribute to that record and runs on our daily site at the start of every week.

Have you ever had the sick feeling you were duped about five minutes into a movie? Of course you have, and that’s what happened to me on date night–going to see Date Night. I don’t really know what I was expecting from this movie. I laughed at a few of the Mark Wahlberg scenes, but that was about it. I don’t want to bash this movie, but because I actually paid to see it, I’m going to anyway. I know what you’re thinking: “Cage man, we knew this was trash from the preview.” Well, you are all better people than I. I am not an avid Office follower. In fact, I prefer the original English version with Ricky Gervais. I don’t particularly find Steve Carell very funny, so why was I here watching this painful family movie? I think my odd fantasy of doing Tina Fey might be responsible. Yuck! Even the hottie I was with asked me if I was gay for bringing her to see this, and she asked to wait outside until I was finished. Fuck you, Steve Carell. ★1/2

Unmade Beds is a film that came out last year. It’s in English, French and Spanish. Argentine filmmaker Alexis Dos Santos tells a story about two sad youths partying in East London and crossing paths. One is in search of his daddy (Axl), the other a lost lover (Vera). I didn’t think I was going to care much for this, but it was decent. A little claustrophobic at times, though–hey, how about a nice wide angle shot so I can fucking breathe? The music in the movie stands out the most and the actors are okay. It’s not like they have much to do but drink wine and make out. Some of you will like this but if you’re like me, when people don’t get shot or scream it can get a bit boring. So, If you’re bored and want to roll the dice I would suggest it on Netflix or something. ★★1/2

44 Inch Chest stars the incomparable Ray Winstone, who is brilliant in this film. The cast is stellar, from John Hurt to that fucker (Ian McShane) from Deadwood. This English gangster flick feels just like Sexy Beast. Rightfully so, as it was written by  Louis Mellis and David Scinto. The story is about a cuckold gangster who loses his mind and beats his adulterous wife’s ass, then kidnaps her gentlemen caller. I usually hate one location films and this is primarily shot in their hideout, but I liked this movie a lot. This movie seemed like it was shot in a weekend with a bunch of old pros drinking brown and trading lines. It’s no Sexy Beast, but I enjoyed the fuck out of it. Ray Winestone is a master of his craft and has been since he was a teen. Now I’m going to watch Scum, one of Winestone’s first films. ★★★1/2

Defendor is the “what in the world is this fucking movie?” movie of the month. I like Woody Harrelson, but as a slow, semi-retarded superhero with no super powers? Uh, when and where did this fucking shit even come from? And Harrelson’s femme fatale co-star is played by none other than Kat Dennings. You know, that girl from Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. YULCH! I was so disgusted watching this movie that I actually left my own house, walked by a real mugging and did nothing about it. Take that pseudo superheroes and people looking forward to Kick Ass ★

Taxidermia was recommended by Alex Pardee, and when he suggests gore, I run to see it. This Hungarian film came out in 2006 and is gloriously fucked up. Watching morbidly obese speed eaters barfing is the worst scene, or is it the extremely graphic animal mutilations and taxidermy? The main character Lajoska (the taxidermist) takes care of his father, a whale of man who is bedridden and longs to play with his cats and eat. What do you think happens when Lajoska gets fed up with his fat dad’s bullshit and abandons him and his cats? Fuck yes, that’s what happens. Watch this fucking shit and eat a fucking salad. ★★★★

I was recently revisiting Twin Peaks, and after seeing Taxidermia and all its amputations, I remembered Lynch’s daughter (Jennifer Lynch) made a sick movie from 1993 called Boxing Helena. It even stars Twin Peaks actress Sherilynn Fenn and the warlock dude (Julian Sands) from that movie Warlock. In short, the warlock dude is a surgeon and he’s obsessed with this unattainable hottie (Fenn) who is struck by a car. He cares for her and when she wakes up, she finds he has amputated both of her legs to keep her. It gets even creepier and it’s hilarious–she looks so silly with no legs. ★★★1/2

Scum is one of the first films Ray Winestone made. It’s from 1979, and about a wayward British Borstal. Winestone plays Carlin, who goes in minding his own until he takes the reigns as “the daddy.” Bad Boys with Sean Penn lifted many scenes from this film, like billiard balls in a dress sock. One of the most brutal suicides I have seen in a film. It’s very violent and disturbing and Winestone is electric. I recommend the shit out of this movie. There is a male rape scene and racial epithets–you’ve been warned. ★★★★