WHAT’S IN A MUSLIM?: 15 Band Names That Are Better Than The Soft Pack

By Arye Dworken

You gotta admire the balls of a buzz band with a name like “The Muslims,” especially when not one member is Islamic. Ah, but what if said buzz band backpedaled and decided that, no, we are not in fact “The Muslims.” We’re “The Soft Pack.” As in the shit your roommate tap, tap, taps like the nicotine fiend he is.

Really guys? Was there nothing else to chose from? Have all good group names really been taken? (Perhaps this is the reason why we currently have two other bands fighting over the Brokedown.)

Anyway, we’d like to think there’s hope for all the ex-Muslims out there. That’s why self-titled came up with some potential exit plans for THE SOFT PACK. Go ahead and change your name again, guys. We’ll pretend we didn’t notice.

The good ol’ days

Go with something that alludes to Islam without being as literal as, say, the Muslims

  1. The Fatwas preemptively dismisses an actual fatwa by proclaiming, “we called it first!”
  2. The Husseins is somewhat controversial yet in no way as controversial as the Bin Ladens.
  3. Props to a guy who has a death contract on his balding head, yet still hangs out with Bono and scores a hot, high-profile chick like Padma Lakshmi. Ladies and gentlemen, we present you Salman Rushdie! Bonus Potential: add two random words to the end to make it even quirkier like the Salman Rushdie Mall Destruction.

There are tougher references to cigarettes than the “Soft Pack” …

  1. The Slim 100’s. Even a woman’s cigarette sounds way more bad-ass than anything involving the word “soft.”
  2. Only dudes who don’t give a shit about killing their sperm count smoke Menthols. And think about all the exciting potential references in critic reviews to being both “smoky” and “minty.”
  3. Nothing says built-in hipster audience like Parliament Lights.

Fans of irony appreciate a good example of self-deprecation. Why not do something as lame as change your name while calling yourself out on it?

  1. What would Prince do? Simple. You’re now the Band Formerly Known As The Muslims.
  2. Jylland Posten is a pretty great band name, right? It’s also the Danish newspaper which sparked the Great Muhammad Controversy of 2005. While they didn’t back down from controversy–and yeah, we guess you did–giving them a shout out is the ultimate reference in the best way possible. It’s like making a promise with your fingers crossed behind your back. Sneaky bitches. Or like Dan from Gossip Girl referencing another stupid indie band that only Josh Schwartz likes.
  3. Manager Knows Best. This one is self-explanatory. Really, guys. He says he wants the best for you but we’re thinking, based on his first big decision, you’d best check over that contract twice. With a magnifying glass.
  4. The Pussies. Surprisingly, still not used.

The problem is that the Muslims picked a name that is No. 1 on the list of “Religions to Not Mess With.” That said, a quick Google search reveals there are many more belief systems available for band names. And better yet–none of these have ever proclaimed fatwa’s. We think.

  1. The Jews will never say anything about it. Heck, they’ll defend your right to use it.
  2. The ancient Egyptian religion Atenism hasn’t been practiced since the 14th Century so we’re thinking the Atenists wouldn’t really offend anyone.
  3. The Satanists. Actually, on second thought, leave that one alone, too.
  4. We’re pretty sure that not only will the Kabbalah center give you it’s blessing to use the Kabbalists; they’lll also promote you free of charge and arrange a Madonna and/or Paris Hilton cameo.
  5. The Scientologists : You know what? Don’t go here either.