MOVIES FOR THE BLIND: Cage Pisses Himself At ‘She’s Out of My League’, Reveals One of the Most Brutal Films He’s Ever Seen

Looking down the barrel of a gun with Michael Caine
Looking down the barrel of a gun with Michael Caine

Chris Palko first stormed onto the underground hip-hop scene as Cage with “Agent Orange,” a Clockwork Orange-sampling single from his 2002 album, Movies For the Blind. His free associative film column pays tribute to that record and runs on our daily site every Monday (Tuesday this week, because of SXSW):

She’s Out of My League? More like this movie’s out of mine.

Something amazing is happening here and it’s blowing my mind. Hollywood is making half good movies. Let me explain…The lead in this movie is either terrible or brilliant because he’s supposed to be a douche. The supporting cast is great, especially the hot, unattainable girl. There are also moments where I LOL’d so hard a little pee came out. However, the movie goes from hilarious to extremely boring so much you have to see it to believe it. Look, I dont want to slam films because I know about the time and effort put into them, so I’ll just say this: I’d recommend this for a date, but that’s about it. You will both laugh and leave thinking you’re better than the film. Which is good for you, because that means you will get laid. Hey remember that part? Oh yeah–ha ha, sex. ★★1/2

Another half good movie I saw last week was Repo Men–151 minutes that actually felt like it, although it starts out amazing. I thought I was watching a sick Japanese film at first, with lots of flying blood and incredible effects. The always sweaty Forest Whitaker is great in this movie. The gore is muy bien and to quote Mike Tyson, I take my hand off to the director. This is the half good part–it just stops and dies for an hour, with Jude Law sucking as a dramatic actor and the writing licking a dog’s balls. Then the last 30 minutes are superb, and because of the gore in the ending alone, I am saying see this movie. I don’t want to ruin the scene I am referring to, so I won’t. The ending however (SPOILER ALERT) turns into fucking Vanilla Sky.

Had this movie been an hour and 30, I would have really liked it, even with the jacked ending and poor writing. Instead I can only say I was mildly entertained. Fuck, now I have to go watch Repo Man, a film with Emilio Estevez. No, it’s not the prequel to this. ★★1/2

Welly welly well, if it isn’t a screener for Leaves Of Grass, a pot movie with Edward Norton. Before you read this review, I want you to know I smoked Strawberry Kush and a throwback Northern Lights before watching it. If you feel like that impairs my ability to review it, there is something I want you to know: I am always high and therein lies the problem. Anyway, I actually enjoyed this film’s dark comedy side. There are some funny moments, but when people started getting shot it was a bit weird.

It never feels like a pot movie even though it’s about pot, even when Ed Norton passes a bong to his twin self. Super MILF-y Susan Surandon is decent as the kooky pothead mom and the movie held my attention overall, but if you asked me about it in the street, I would just turn and say, “Meh.” ★★

Harry Brown stars Michael Caine. It’s basically the British version of Death Wish, which means it fucking rules. From the opening scene, I felt a disconnect and was sucked into the coldness of this film. Caine plays a senior citizen with an old military background (of course), avenging his best friend’s brutal murder. He kills everyone in the way a senior citizen would look doing it. I believed him when he was crying and I believed him when he was exhausted from killing. Caine is God in this film. It came out last year and drove England mad, and rightfully so. Ben Drew is cast as the gang leader of sorts and is perfect. (I’m not just saying that because he’s a fan of my music.) You will hate and love him as a senseless animal in this almost perfect film. Please see this immediately. I have seen it four times already. ★★★★

I have been in a bad mood as of late, so I took this Dario Argento film (Creepers, a.k.a. Phenomena) out for a spin in my PS3. (God of War 3 needed a rest.) Argento is a sick fuck who also made Suspiria, a must see for sure. Speaking of Suspiria, it’s being remade or re-imagined at the moment. Either way, I’m there. Phenomena stars Jennifer Connelly as a girl who can talk to insects. She’s the daughter of a movie star–blah, blah, blah–pools of maggots and body parts, monkeys with blades, multiple decapitations, and a young Connelly controlling a swarm of flies to eat a man’s face off. Fuck yes. This movie was made in 1985 and should be in your collection next to Suspiria. Definitely check out Argento’s filmography–there are some real gems there. ★★★★

The New York Ripper, or Lo squartatore di New York if you’re Italiano…Fulci, Fulci, Fulci, you are one of my favorites. Of course, I am talking about Lucio Fulci, the god of Italian gore. A man running around New York City with a switchblade, talking like Donald Duck and cutting tits off. Do I need to say anymore? I want to, though, so chill out. This flick’s from 1982 and it’s at times silly, but it’s supposed to be. You will laugh at some of it because it’s dated, and other parts will make you think, “Fuck he just disemboweled her from the vagina up with a broken bottle?”

If you’re as fucked up as I am, and someone who owns a switchblade and does a bang up Donald Duck impression, we should never meet. ★★★★

Cannibal Holocaust is by far one of the most brutal films I have ever seen. This movie is from 1980 and has it all. This is not for everyone and because last week’s Sick Pick was sick in a cool way, this week’s really is fucking sick. A team shooting a documentary goes missing, and a recovered videotape reveals their demise. Now that I think about it, this is basically the first Blair Witch movie–the one that started them all…Fuck…A woman impaled on a stick through her vagina and out of her mouth, cannibalism, multiple gang rapes, one ends with a beheading, should I continue? Awesome–an unborn fetus is also removed (I was just debating abortion the other day). This movie was so disturbing and realistic the cast was rumored to have been killed on film. I wish that piranha scene made it. (Apparently a scene was lost when cameras were damaged and it was supposed to be a doozy.) See this film for the sheer terror and gore. ★★★★