MOVIES FOR THE BLIND: Cage Returns With Reviews of ‘A Nightmare On Elm Street’, ‘Iron Man II’ and “One of the Sickest Films Ever”

Oh, the '80s

Chris Palko first stormed onto the underground hip-hop scene as Cage with “Agent Orange,” a Clockwork Orange-sampling single from his 2002 album, Movies For the Blind. His free associative film column pays tribute to that record and runs on our daily site at the start of every week.

Well, it usually does. Palko’s been overseas the past few weeks and just got caught up on his torrents and screener DVDs. To start, we have what may be the year’s worst movie…

I keep having the craziest dream that I am watching A Nightmare On Elm Street with a midget Freddy and a less cool face. Wait, you mean I’m not fucking dreaming? This is real? If these kids don’t want to fall asleep they should definitely NOT watch this terrible remake of a pretty awesome series. I was going to turn this whole column into all the Elm Streets that are better but then I realized, ‘Why waste anymore of my time when they are all better, even the ones that weren’t that good?’

I hated this movie. There is no way around it. The first two Elm Street films are 4.5’s. This one gets a big middle finger with a knife coming out of it…and up Freddy’s asshole.

Side note: I think Jackie Earle Haley‘s Freddy face should be sans the make up. I mean, he was even scary-looking in The Bad News Bears. ★

Iron Man is back and about as good as the first one; although to be honest, if this movie didn’t have Robert Downey Jr. I’m not sure I would have liked it. I mean, I didn’t love the first one. I thought it was good, but no Dark Knight by any stretch. Mickey Rourke is great in everything and I didn’t even mind John Favaro casting himself as Stark’s driver again. (Don’t you love when directors do that?) The CGI is also great and there is plenty of manchango in there for all you cheese/comedic action film lovers.

This film could only have gotten better if Scarlett Johansson’s tit popped out of that silly outfit of hers…Okay, a lot of things could have made this better, but remember what we said about being hard on kids movies. Wait, that was gross. ★★★

This movie came out last year, but i just saw it and it was way better than Nightmare on Poop Street. It’s called Solomon Kane, and it’s like the God of War ripoff game Dante’s Inferno, but that’s a really good thing. Solomon is running from the devil like Daniel Johnston, but he isn’t hearing that shit and vows to never kill again…until a small boy gets his throat slit. The rest is a decent little ride. The CGI is good and it’s pretty brutal. It’s not the best but it sure isn’t the worst, right Cheddy Krugar?

Give this flick a spin if you want to see a movie that’s just like Conan the Barbarian. What, it’s the same guy who created Conan (writer Robert E. Howard)? Now it all makes sense. Too bad the world doesn’t. ★★★

I thought this movie was about a bunch of fucking losers like me, but I was wrong. I suspect The Losers was rushed out before the A-Team movie drops. It looked like a piece of shit in the trailer, but it wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t that good either, but I watched it without falling asleep, screaming at the top of my lungs or fighting children. The plot is this: a group of special ops guys are thought to be dead, but they are alive and kicking like a seizure.

You guessed it–you’ve seen this movie a dozen times already, and probably better versions at that. ★★1/2

What happens when you cross Revenge of the Nerds with torture porn? The Final happens. These geeks are so fed up with their tormentors’ shit, and rightfully so. In short, they dress up in Halloween costumes, drug fellow party-goers, and when they wake up, they’re all in chains.

The bullied become the bullies–come on guys, this is never going to work. The acting isn’t the greatest and the leader of the outcasts is a bit long-winded in his soliloquies. There are some decent kill scenes and I dug this overall, though. Then again, I’m a sucker for any horror films, so take that with a drop of nerd blood, whatever that fucking means. ★★★

Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom is one of those artsy fartsy Italian death porn flicks of the ’70s. I don’t like mixing sex and horror that much. Maybe because I’m American and I’m used to seeing tits in ’80s slasher movies, but I don’t like it like plots in pornography. This film is shot beautifully, but it’s not my cup of tea sadly. Think the ’40s–fascists kidnapping 18 men and women, forcing them to eat shit and rape and kill. Hey, there’s even a hot male rape scene for you Nightmare On Elm Street remake fans. ★★★

Cutting Moments is one of the sickest films ever. With a run time of 25 minutes, trust me it gets right to business. Here’s the skinny, you cunts. (Sorry, I’m currently in London.) A dad is more into touching his son than his wife. She even dolled up for him one night and he didn’t notice her, not one bit. She is so confused by this she looks into the mirror and shaves off her lips with a Brillo pad. She walks out a bleeding mess and she was right–that did the trick. He popped up and got into the sack with her. I won’t give away the end, but this short on the wrong day will make you lose your lunch. ★★★★