MOVIES FOR THE BLIND: Cage Steals Acid Tabs From a 9-Year-Old At ‘Alice In Wonderland,’ Gets In the ‘Green Zone’ With Matt Damon

Alice In Wonderland

Chris Palko first stormed onto the underground hip-hop scene as Cage with “Agent Orange,” a Clockwork Orange-sampling single from his 2002 album, Movies For the Blind. His free associative film column pays tribute to that record and runs on our daily site every Monday…

Put your fucking game face on–it’s Green Zone with Matt Damon, a film that takes us back to the start of the Iraq War. [Yawning already] Actually, when the film isn’t assuming I’m an idiot, it’s pretty cool. I wouldn’t say it’s better than any of the Bourne movies…well, maybe the third one.

Green Zone is like Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 2: The Movie at times–the only times I could really get into it…when I feel like I’m following Damon in a online death match. This movie rocks when there isn’t any heavy dialogue and Greg Kinnear scenes. (Okay, we get it–Iraq never had a WMD program. Now tell me about it over and over again.) So if you’re in the mood for a war movie and don’t feel like being annoyed with a plot, this is for you. I was on the fence going in, and I still am. It’s no Hurt Locker, but the action and killing kept me pacified. ★★★

A Prophet, or if you’re French, Un Prophete. I was very skeptical going into this film because it was being advertised “as good as The Godfather” and it’s not, but it’s still a great film. A young inmate Malik El Djebena (Tahar Rahim) is sentenced to six years, forced into the Corsican Mafia, and ordered to kill a fellow inmate. He learns how to read and goes from being a newbie bitch getting jacked for his sneakers to a murderous kingpin. This film does remind me of The Godfather in its ending–I smell a sequel. Director Jacques Audiard is an amazing storyteller. The writing and acting are superb. This is one of the best crime dramas I have seen in recent years. I urge you to see this unless you are like a young Malik and can’t read the subtitles. ★★★★1/2

When I went to see Alice In Wonderland, I was hoping it’d blow me away like Avatar–visually, at least–and, well, it didn’t. I was restless and moving around in my seat waiting for the fucking rabbit hole.

SPOILER ALERT: There isn’t any 3-D in this movie. Lucky for me, the LSD from the 9-year-old next to me started kicking in just in time for Alice and myself to realize that this is a fucking sequel? The cinematography and set design is incredible and Johnny Depp is great, of course–he’s Johnny Depp.

When I began losing interest, I started looking around and saw very content children. I mean they could have been seeing Pulp Fiction for the first time the way their faces were lighting up to decapitations. I must have looked like King Pedophile surrounded by all these little fucking kids in nerd specs, and as I was exiting I asked a woman if she had given her children LSD also.

I guess my problem with the film is the same as every other human over the age of 11–it’s hard to give it an honest review because I don’t want to be like the 30-something critics who are pissed off over a fucking kids movie. (Oh yeah, that 7 year old was like going on and on about Tim Burton’s inability to tell a story. I couldn’t take it.) I will say this movie rules for kids (★★★) and if I saw it as a kid–on LSD–I would have given it ★★★1/2.

I was actually looking forward to Brooklyn’s Finest despite the trailer looking like Training Day. (A lot of Antoine Fuqua’s movies do.) There really isn’t any suspense, but let’s be honest–I wasn’t expecting much more than a violent, dirty cop flick. I’ll watch Cop Land again if I want fine dramatic acting in a crime story.

Am I the only one who finds it humorous that playing a thug is the role Don Cheadle struggles with or is that racist? A dirty cop, an old cop and an undercover one…guess which one Ethan Hawke plays. The dirty cop, of course! This movie is similar to Green Zone in that it’s an entertaining shoot-’em-up that you’ll barely remember the next day.

It was good to see Wesley Snipes in a big movie again, even though his character didn’t go anywhere. I smoked a ton of pot for this movie, and I wasn’t mad. There was a DVD screener available (if you’re pirate savvy) the day it came out. I did pay to see this and I watched it again puffing a nice Sour Diesel joint in my living room and it didn’t get any better…but it also didn’t get any worse. Everyone in this movie was great including all of The Wire cameos. It’s just not written that well.

Not the worst crime thriller, but it’s nowhere near A Prophet, which is a crime masterpiece. ★★★

Thirst, a Korean vampire movie that came out in 2009, is a must-see. A priest receives a blood transfusion, becomes a vampire, and falls in love with a girl he turns. Sounds like Twilight, but it’s more like toward Let the Right One In–a different take on the genre, and the gore is grand. ★★★★

Even better is Pascal Laugier’s Martyrs, which came out in 2008. If you haven’t seen it yet, I implore you to. This movie has it all–revenge, gore and a great story. Read nothing about this movie and just watch it. I will say that this sets the bar for this type of film. ★★★★★

Tony is an English film written and directed by Gerard Johnson. It’s about a serial killer and I loved it. The main character is an action film-obsessed loner with the worst hygiene and no social skills. There is no arc in the story, and some say the film doesn’t work because there’s no first and third act…yet somehow it does. Peter Ferdinando is incredible as the creepy yet lovable Tony. There isn’t a lot of gore but enough to satisfy and it doesn’t have a long run time. I have seen it four times already. Grab this on DVD in April. ★★★★