MOVIES FOR THE BLIND: Cage Watches a Documentary On Weed, a Comedy About Terrorism and … ‘Sex and the City’? Yep.

Chris Palko first stormed onto the underground hip-hop scene as Cage with “Agent Orange,” a Clockwork Orange-sampling single from his 2002 album, Movies For the Blind. His free associative film column pays tribute to that record and runs on our daily site at the start of every week…when he’s not vacationing in London, which is what  the rapper was busy doing for the past couple weeks.

And Palko’s response to all of you on that front? “I know, who goes to London for vacations? Sunshine hating misanthropes like myself, that’s who.” Welcome back.

Four Lions is making a lot of British people angry because it’s a comedy about terrorism. Sure, I was pissed on Magners Irish Cider while watching it, but I thought it was brilliant. Basically, if the guy who tried to blow up his shoes and the most recent Times Square bomber–both terrorist fails, mind you–had a cell, it would be rounded out by the buffoons in this movie. (We’re talking about guys who actually get thrown out of Afghani training camps here.) Side note: Kayvan Novak, the creator/star of the new English TV show Facejacker, is one of Four Lions‘ stars. I’m not sure when it will be out over here, but I’d make a point of seeing it–and Novak’s show–if I were you. ★★★★

Lets take a trip to another Middle Eastern country, shall we? I don’t recall ever liking a single Prince of Persia video game, so I wasn’t the slightest bit interested in seeing the movie version. That said, I packed a jumbo popcorn for an ‘epic’ journey through the Sands of Time. I really thought I would hate this, but I didn’t at all. I liked all the CG effects, and Gyllenhaal’s a great actor–Persians must be proud to have him representing over the Persians in 300.

A great kid’s movie, and better than seeing a bunch of white hags riding camels through the desert (see below). What’s with all these films set in the Middle East, by the way? Oh yeah, we occupy that shit. ★★★1/2

Ah, Sex and the City 2: The Sands Of Menopause. I’m not sure if that’s the right title or not, but Jesus Christ (or in this case, the Prophet Muhammad), is this really all they could come up with? I wasn’t even going to watch this, but my ex-girlfriend used to support this garbage, so I’m familiar with the characters. I’m sure she loved this, so I must now bash it…

Look out, its a bunch of cougars with money, looking to get wasted and fucked in Dubai like it’s Cancun 30 years ago! This is five or six years shy of being Golden Girls: The Movie, only not written as well–sort of like this review. I would like to give this HBO ‘episode’ stretched into a film (for no other reason than to take money from lonely old women who have no idea what it’s like to live in a metropolis) nothing–not even a ★.

I packed the fattest bowl possible as I prepared to watch How Weed Won the West (and my heart and soul and money). This really is a great little weed doc, if you care about the stuff beyond simply smoking it. Drug lords, coffee shops, legalities, medicinal use, blah blah blah…pot. Now I’m just wondering the answer to one question: If weed isn’t addictive, then why do I smoke it everyday? ★★★★


The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is pretty boring until you get to the ‘procedure’. I am sure you sick fucks know the synopsis by now, and if you don’t, watch the trailer. I thought this was pretty lame overall. I mean it, has the two girls, one cup vibe, with an Asian man as the ‘head’ of the centipede, shitting in a girl’s mouth that’s sewn to his asshole as the German (of course he’s German) doctor is screaming, “Yes, feed her, feed her!”It isn’t the slightest bit scary or gory, though. It’s simply “horror-ible.” ★★

Speaking of movies about tubes, Creep was recommended to me while I was in London, and I watched it on the plane ride home. It’s an okay little English film that takes place in the London tube. A girl gets trapped in the London Underground and is being stalked by some Jason Vorhees character sans the mask, looking–as the title suggests–like a creep. Watch as the hilarity ensues when she runs for her life.

It’s a pretty standard horror film: killer chases girl, and I am sure you can guess the ending. If your horror library has gone dry like the vaginas in Sex and the City, then rest assured–this one goes down easy, and while the acting and camera work is a bit rough, it’s a decent layover on the train to better things. ★★★

When I think of director Uwe Boll, I’m reminded of two terrible films: BloodRayne and House of the Dead. I bring you his finest hour, then: Rampage, which might as well be called GTA: The Movie. Our protagonist makes a kevlar suit, straps up and basically does what any sociopath would do in Grand Theft Auto–shoot every single person he sees. I lost count at about 50 people innocent people being shot and killed. Why, when he shoots a pile of screaming women in a salon with a machine gun, all you can think is, ‘Why hasn’t this movie been made before?’ This doesn’t have the best actors, or cameraman, or director of photography, but it is by far Uwe Boll’s best work. It’s actually a good movie, and yes, shooting shit loads of people for no reason does weigh in on my decision to give this cold killer ★★★★.